Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
