I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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