I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
