sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
