I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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