You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
