I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
