i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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