when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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