i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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