I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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