it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
