My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
