she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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