dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wear drunk well.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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