I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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