Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
