I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
