Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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