you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
