I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I smell like Dick and happiness
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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