You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
