I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
