Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
