He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
