Do you still have your period?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
