I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
