I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
