Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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