A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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