She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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