It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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