I got chris browned last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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