mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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