my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
