you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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