So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
