Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
