i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He passed out mid-signature
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
