My liver just broke up with me...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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