I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
