I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
