I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wear drunk well.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
