My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
