I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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