Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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