I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
