I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
