I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
