Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
