i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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